Sunday, September 29, 2013

Bandits .... Run!

If ever you awaken to find yourself face to face with this rag tag group of bandits, run. Don't save the cat or kids. Don't grab your keys or wallet. Don't look over your shoulder to see if they are following. They will be. Just look strait ahead and run as hard and as fast as you can. Your life will depend on it.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Who is Master

The robot vacuum. Surely, you know some putz who has bought into this idea. I am such putz. It's a fantastically awesome idea in theory. Buy a small robotic vacuum, let it run around your house and clean up all the shit you dragged in. Ahhh, sit back and relax ... In theory.

It doesn't quite work like that in practice. Let's start with the size of the dirt container. Pocket lint can fill this fucker up. If you have pets or kids prepare to empty this sucker once a day. How often do you empty an upright. Relaxing yet?

Let's move on to operation. Got furniture? I do. This little bastard gets stuck between dining room chairs, under cabinets and under the sofa. When stuck it will sit their beeping at you like the helpless moronic child it is. At first you feel sorry and help it along. After a couple of months, you just decide to leave it alone. Let the little shit beep all night. I'm done. Relaxing yet?

Turns out, if you have hardwood or tile, the sensors on my model can't handle the reflection. Therefore, it goes into a robotic downward spiral trying to navigate its way around. Often, it will stop in front of my aquarium and start beeping with a message that states I should clear it's path. Yah, let me move the fuckin fish tank for you asshole. Relaxing yet?

So as needy as this little piece of robotic trash is, I ask myself who is master. Sure as hell ain't me!

No robots were harmed in the making of this story.

The eCig Incident

Had a couple drags off my ecig in the airplane lavatory. So maybe it wasnt as relaxing as a real cigarette in my comfortable adirondack. But it did have its place. Maybe it was just the thrill of “smoking” aka vaping in an airplane liu or possibly it was just the knowledge that i had just received a quick hit of the oh so addictive drug nicotine. Either way, I’ve crossed into a new territory of sneaking vapor hits in places that would otherwise restrict smoking or anything relatively similar. Do I feel better? I dont think so. I didnt reallly have time to enjoy the momement. Much like a 15 yr old boy having sex for the first time, i was in and out so fast, I’m not even sure i did it right. Did i push the button? Did i get anything in my mouth? Again, not sure. I can say that i was overcome by the act of getting away with something near smoking; on a plane that is. Like that 15yr old boy, i may not know what I just did. But, I think i liked it.

Why Haven't We Left Yet

Isn’t it an odd concept? Our lives, our society, our species, requires a thin atmosphere on a small rock orbiting a small star. Relatively speaking, this is all infinitely minuscule compared to the universe itself. Yet our lives depend on this atmospheric icing around earth.
From our perspective, we see earth from ground level, a world of forests, deserts, oceans, grasslands, cities, towns and jungles. But we all know perspective is just that; one way of looking at things. From a much bigger perspective, we are simply parasites; fucking, tunneling and forging our nests on and in this big blue testicle in our small neck of the universe.
So why do we perceive this as status quo? Why do most people aspire to a meaningless career, a home on earth, tangible objects to decorate our homes and persons with? Are we simply parasites that will continue to consume and procreate on our little rock; until there is no more. Or do we have the ability to move on?
Why haven’t we left yet? I suppose it it more economics than it is capability. We are capable of designing long stay habitat outside of the earths atmosphere. Economics on the other hand is an invention of man and really has no real meaning in the big picture. When future races study the universe billions of years from now, I’m certain the U.S. economy won’t be part of the equation. Humanity itself could be; if we survive. And we all know our survival requires us to get the hell out of dodge.
So why can’t we build your next home outside of this shit hole; modular style housing that protects us from the dangers of space, yet provides an untethered habitat to call home? Why do we continue to build our meaning less empires on this little rock we call earth? What’s the point? More importantly, what are we trying to accomplish?
Why haven’t we left yet?

Walk Softly and Carry a Big ....

In archery, we have this concept of silencers. A bare bow will typically produce a good deal of vibration and sound as left over energy not transferred to the arrow is absorbed by the frame, string, sights etc. If you want to silence your bow, one technique is to add rubber tassels or beads to the string and even larger rubberized components to the frame of the bow. This ensures that extra energy and vibration is absorbed by the rubber which is quieter in nature than metal or wood absorbing the vibration.
So a few months back, I was in Philadelphia for business. I was standing outside of the office building downtown having a cigarette. I’m a self admitted people watcher. That’s a nice way of saying I like to watch beautiful women walk by. I started to notice that women with big tits appeared to walk quieter than women with small tits. Was there a pattern here? Do big tits absorb more of the shock when walking? It sure would make sense. Is this true for women with big asses? What about a women with a big rack and a big trunk? Would she have an uncanny ability to sneak up on me? Fuck! What about augmented breasts versus natural breasts? Is synthetic more efficient at noise reduction?
I’m certain there is a science here and that some organization should dump billions of fucking dollars to study this phenomena. Until then, I say to all women, if you want them to hear you coming opt for a breast reduction. Otherwise, silence you infidel!
No women were harmed in the making of this article.