Friday, September 25, 2015

The Decade of Death

People often talk about the different decades of their life. Such as their 20s and partying with friends, their 30s and how they started a family or fell in love, the 40s are often about career, of course there are those golden years.

What people don't talk about is the decade of death. I think for most of us we avoid death through our thirties. Maybe an aunt or a grand parent. But we generally seem to avoid death of those closest to us. Many of us at least.

Now I'm in my forties. I'm experiencing the early days of death with my father. The beginning of an end. I guess one could argue that starts at birth. But I think we know what I mean.

It won't me much longer before I hit fifty. FIFTY, wow. I think that decade will be the decade of death. Not mine, I hesitate to say hopefully. No I'm talking about those close to me. Especially those close to me that I refuse to let in. Like my parents of course. My wife's parents. People I have known or loved that may be twenty to thirty years older. I'm afraid of this. I've spent my entire life not taking relationships seriously. I'm mostly self indulged and boarder line a sociopath. I didn't care about death ten to twenty years ago. It didn't matter. I mattered.

Now it's real. It's like the book report you didn't do and it's the night before you have to turn it in. Ughhh. Fuck. It's real and their are consequences. Now I have to face the loss of those who should be closer to me than anyone. I'm fearing death.

It's still self indulged right? I worry about losing people. I worry about how that will make me feel. I'm afraid of my own death. Not for myself. I haven't faced that daemon yet. I worry about not being their for my baby girl, my wife, my children. Self indulgent right? Everyone needs me to survive.

The Dalai Lama speaks about suffering as a part of being human. That understanding this is essential to excepting suffering. As someone who was raised to look at things logically, mathematically, and to analyze. I wonder why we have to suffer. Why do we have to die. No one really knows, right? Religion would have us believe in an afterlife. Something to look forward to after death. Something to help you accept death; yours and others. I can't except death.

Like the book report, if I'm going to pull this off, I need to buckle down and pull an all nighter. I need to make absolutely certain I am spending my time with my wife, my daughter, our kids. It doesn't matter as much what we do as long as it is together. That is what is in my headlights right now. That's what is most important.

I lay in bed with my wife; our daughter between us. Oh my god this moment is so precious. My only means to articulate how I feel is with a tear. A tear that represents the deepest love I have for my wife and my daughter Chrystina. Not that they only matter. However, this is our moment. My son and my wife's son had that moment with each of us and our spouses. Right now, it's Chrystina's time. And wow, this time I understand it and hold it so precious.

The decade of death is upon me. All I know how to do is look at it logically, run some numbers, and analyze the hell out of it. That must be what this is. While we may not know why death happens, why we age, we can say that death is a consequence of life. Isn't that ironic Alanis?

Not ... The End ... Just the beginning of the end.